


the lobotomy took all but you

by like_your_territory



Series: gawsten oneshots [3]
Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gawsten, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Like Seriously A Lot Of Angst, M/M, also not the main focus, anxiety/panic attacks, but then it gets cute so it's fine, implied disordered eating, it's not graphic or the main focus though, mentioned overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25558009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/like_your_territory/pseuds/like_your_territory
Summary: Tried something a little different in terms of my writing style on this one; let me know what you think!!
Relationships: Awsten Knight & Geoff Wigington, Awsten Knight/Geoff Wigington
Series: gawsten oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850797
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	the lobotomy took all but you

**Author's Note:**

> Tried something a little different in terms of my writing style on this one; let me know what you think!!

Awsten unlocks his window and opens it up, grabbing Geoff's hand to help him climb inside.

"Christ, it's fucking cold out there," Geoff complains, already shrugging off his jacket. "Not fun to walk in."

"Yeah," Awsten agrees absentmindedly, struggling to get his window to close back up. "I've been freezing all day."

"That's not good," Geoff tells him. "Why didn't you put the heat on or something?"

Awsten shrugs and sits down on the floor beside his bed. "I didn't wanna leave my room."

Geoff nods, tossing his jacket onto the floor. "That's understandable." He sits beside Awsten, eyes scanning over him; a habit he'd developed over the years. Awsten's hair is messy, tufts of neon green sticking up in all different directions. He'd pushed most of it back to keep it out of his eyes, but there were still a few stray strands falling into his face, contrasting against his skin. He's wearing an oversized black hoodie as well as a pair of grey sweatpants, and between that and his unmade bed, Geoff figures it's fair to guess that he hasn't been out of bed much.

"Have you eaten anything today?" he asks, and Awsten winces at the question.

"No," he replies. "Didn't yesterday, either."

It's normal. It's normal, and Geoff shouldn't still be bothered by it anymore, but he is. He hums disapprovingly. "Can I bribe you into getting Starbucks?"

Awsten turns to him and gives him an incredulous look. "Geoff, it's three in the morning, they're not open."

"Well, yeah, I didn't mean _right now_ ," Geoff explains. "I was thinking more like a few hours from now if we're still up."

Awsten sighs. He's hungry, sure - he always is - but the thought of food alone makes him feel sick. He really isn't interested in eating anything, but he also knows that Geoff won't leave him alone about it until he does. If forcing himself to eat a bagel will ease Geoff's mind, he's willing to do it. "Okay," he starts. "What's your bribe?"

"Well, depends on what you want," Geoff says. "If I can afford it, I'll get it."

"That's a shitty bribe," Awsten deadpans. "I don't even, like... I don't want anything. I just wanna stay here."

"Just think about it," Geoff tells him. "Just let me know when you decide on something."

"Okay," Awsten says, finally feeling like he can relax. He's always on edge, even around his family and most of his friends, but Geoff is different. Awsten doesn't even know exactly what it was, all he knows is that Geoff just... _gets_ him, in a way that nobody else does. A lot of it, Awsten thinks, is that they can relate to each other. Geoff knows what it's like feeling the way Awsten does because he's been through it. He knows what it's like to want to off himself at every waking moment. He knows what it's like to have to try to avoid panic attacks daily. He knows what it's like to have to call his best friend at three in the morning bawling his eyes out because he wasn't okay as he said he was and he needs to talk to someone. He doesn't just acknowledge the way Awsten feels like everyone else does; he's experienced the same things, some even multiple times over, and he understands it. Geoff is the only person Awsten has that's like that.

It's not one-sided, either. Geoff definitely has better support systems in place, between his weekly therapy sessions and his dad being involved wherever he can, but there are certain things Geoff just doesn't want to tell them, certain things he can only tell someone like Awsten; someone who he formed an inseparable bond with the moment they first met. Awsten is the only one Geoff can tell his deepest secrets to, from the occasional cuts and everlasting scars on his forearms, to the time he nearly overdosed on his anxiety meds in 11th grade, there are just some things he doesn't feel comfortable letting anyone else know. There are just some things he can only trust Awsten with.

"So," Geoff begins, "I've been thinking."

Awsten glances over at him. His hair is falling into his face, and the dim light from the streetlights outside cast a faint glow over his features. His eyes stand out, just as they always do, a complex combination of different shades of icy blues that Awsten feels like he's never been able to truly admire for long enough.

"About what?" he asks, a faint blush creeping up on his cheeks as he realises that he'd been staring. Geoff shrugs in response to his question, not having noticed.

"A lot of things, honestly," he admits. "You. Mostly you, actually. I worry about you a shit ton, all the time."

"You don't have to," Awsten tells him. "All I do is lay in bed all day. I barely leave the house, let alone my own room."

Geoff turns to look at him better. "So that means I'm not allowed to care about you?" he asks, a somewhat uneasy smile on his face. From his tone, Awsten knew he was trying to pass it off as a joke, but they both knew it wasn't one; not completely. "That's bullshit."

"I don't get why you care about me so much," Awsten says before he can stop the words from spilling out of his mouth. "Honestly, I don't. I'm really not worth getting worried over."

"Awsten..." Geoff's voice is quiet, but Awsten can hear the pain in it. "Jesus Christ, come here."

Awsten closes his eyes as Geoff's arms wrap around him, practically melting into his chest. Awsten can't quite describe the way it makes him feel; it's warm, fuzzy, and for lack of a better term, _soft_ , almost like his favourite sweaters. He wants to feel like this forever, and he'd probably be willing to sell his soul if it meant that he could.

The thing is, a lot of what Geoff does makes him feel that way. Even just his smile alone is sometimes enough to get Awsten all dreamy-eyed and flustered. Awsten's always been like that, and his friends had teased him for it to no end back in school. Hell, even in spite of him always having been adamant that he does not, in fact, have a crush on Geoff, Jawn and Otto still ask if they've gotten together yet at least once a week.

Geoff lets go and takes a deep breath, leaving Awsten feeling hollow again. He wants to be loved, but Geoff doesn't love him; not really. He cares about Awsten, sure, but Geoff doesn't love him, at least not as anything more than a friend, and Awsten knows that's never going to change.

Realising that the first time had felt like a punch to the gut, the kind that knocks the wind out of you and makes you feel like you're dying for a couple of minutes. Geoff is someone that Awsten has looked up to for the past five or so years, someone that's helped him get through some of the hardest shit he's ever had to deal with, and it was basically impossible for him to not get attached. He always knew, even from the _beginning_ , that catching feelings was probably just about the worst possible thing he could do, and it happened anyway. He knows that all Geoff will ever see him as is a _kid_. A broken, fucked up kid that's tired of being alive. That hadn't changed since they met, and Awsten doubts it ever will.

"You're thinking," Geoff states, bringing Awsten back out of his mind. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Awsten just shakes his head. He's pretty sure that if he even _tries_ to speak he's going to end up crying, and he'd really rather avoid that. Geoff already knows there's something up, it's obvious and Awsten isn't going to hide it, but if he can hide the full extent of it, he will. He doesn't cry. He only cries when something's _really_ wrong, and when that happens, Geoff always makes Awsten tell him what it is.

Geoff can't know. Awsten can't let him. He hates keeping things from Geoff, but if Awsten fucks up their friendship and loses him...

"Awsten? Aws, hey. Look at me." He can hear Geoff's voice, but he sounds distant.

His mouth is bone dry and his vision is blurry, dark at the edges. He feels like someone flash froze his entire body in ice, and he can't move or breathe. The walls feel like they're closing in on him and he tries to breathe in but he can't. His lungs won't work they've stopped working is he going to die? He's going to die he's going to suffocate and no one's going to come to his funeral except maybe Geoff but he's going to die and he's not ready yet he's not ready to die he's not ready to die he's not ready to die _he's going to die_.

"Awsten, take a deep breath, you gotta breathe," Geoff says, and he doesn't necessarily sound the calmest either. "You're okay, just take a deep breath."

He tries to, but his body fights him on it, and he just ends up coughing. He's shaking, bad, and he just wants it to stop. "Geoff, please," he chokes out, " _help_."

"You're okay," Geoff says, and though Awsten can't completely register what's going on, he knows that Geoff's hugging him. "You're okay, Aws. You're okay."

It ends as quickly as it started, but it doesn't stop entirely by any means. Awsten's still shaking, and his emotions finally catch up with him as tears start running down his face.

"Tell me what's going on," Geoff says. " _Please_. There's something wrong, and you can't... you know what happens when you bottle it up. You've gotta let it out."

Awsten shakes his head, hiding his face in Geoff's shoulder. He's right, Awsten knows he is, he knows that he can't just keep it a secret forever, but he's not ready for Geoff to know yet. He's not ready to tell him.

"I can't," he whispers. The tears start coming faster, and his only option at that point is to just give in to his emotions. A strangled sob wracks through his entire body, and that's all it takes for him to break completely. His hands claw at the back of Geoff's shirt, grabbing onto the fabric, and Geoff just holds him tighter, closer, trying to comfort him and make him feel okay.

"You need to," Geoff says, keeping his voice soft. "You've gotta tell me what's happening in your head right now. If you won't tell me even after having a panic attack over it, that means it's _bad_ , and I'm... I'm worried about you. I don't want you to deal with it alone."

Awsten doesn't respond, and that just scares Geoff more.

"Awsten..."

"I can't," he repeats. He knows Geoff isn't going to back down, but telling him isn't an option. " _I can't_."

"Can you at least tell me why not?" Geoff asks. Any amount of progress is good progress, they just need to start making some. "Please?"

"I don't wanna fuck anything up," Awsten admits, and he's pretty sure he's never sounded more pathetic than he does in that moment. "I don't- I don't want you to be mad at me, or leave, or something."

"You're not gonna fuck anything up, Aws," Geoff assures him, rubbing his back. "I'm not gonna get mad or leave either, don't worry. Whatever it is, you can tell me, I won't get upset with you."

Awsten sniffles. "Promise?" he asks, voice cracking. His mind is racing, trying to figure out how to word what he's going to say. He's freaking himself out over the whole thing, but he can't help it.

"I promise," Geoff says, and Awsten tries to keep himself together as best he can.

"Okay." Awsten takes a jagged deep breath. "I'm- I love you," the words come out faster than he intended. "I'm in love with you, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, but- it just _did_." He knows he's rambling but he doesn't care, and Geoff doesn't say anything, so he keeps going. "It's like- fuck, I know you don't want anything to do with me, not like that, but I just- I can't help it. I'm sorry." He pauses for a moment to mostly catch his breath, but the panic sets in with it. "Please don't hate me."

Geoff doesn't say anything for a few seconds. It's long enough for Awsten to overthink and start crying harder, and the way he shakes with every sob that tears through his body is what gets Geoff's brain working again.

"Woah, hey. Calm down," Geoff tells him. "Aws, look at me."

Awsten hesitantly lets go of Geoff's shirt and pries himself away. It's then that he realises that he's sitting in Geoff's lap - he'd been too caught up in everything to notice - but he doesn't think much of it. He's too scared of what's about to happen, anyway. Their eyes meet for just a moment before Awsten's vision is blurred by tears again.

"Don't cry," Geoff says. His voice is the softest Awsten's ever heard it. "I love you too."

"No," Awsten chokes out. "I- you don't get it. I don't mean as friends."

"Yeah, I know," Geoff says. He wipes away Awsten's tears with his thumbs, something he's done countless times before. "I love you too."

Awsten shakes his head. "Stop it. You're fucking with me."

"I'm not, I promise. I wouldn't lie about something like this," Geoff tells him. "I'm serious, I love you too."

Awsten's brain finally catches up to what's happening, and it hits him like a sack of bricks. Geoff loves him. _Geoff loves him back_. He sort of short-circuits for a moment as his mind tries to process it. Awsten's not too sure what to do at this point; he'd only really prepared himself for Geoff reacting badly, and at best, him saying that he just wanted to be friends. Awsten hadn't even thought about what would happen if their feelings turned out to be mutual.

"Can I kiss you?" He doesn't even think about the question, he just asks. His voice is still shaky, as is the rest of him, but he's starting to calm down. The tears have pretty much stopped, and the feeling of dread that had been in the pit of his stomach is dissolving.

Geoff smiles. "Yeah, go ahead."

And that's all Awsten needs. He closes his eyes and his hands find their way to the back of Geoff's neck as they both lean in, their lips meeting somewhere in the middle. Geoff is the only thing Awsten can think about, and he wouldn't have it any other way. The kiss is perfect; it starts slow but gets more and more needy as it progresses, and Awsten doesn't think he's ever felt anything more soothing in his entire life.

Awsten finally pulls away after what feels like hours. He's smiling, even though his eyes are still red and he looks like he's been crying - which, to be fair, he has - but he's beaming like the fucking sun, and Geoff can't help but smile too.

"I love you," Awsten says, hugging onto Geoff again, tighter this time. "I love you I love you I love you I love you."

Geoff just laughs, lacing his fingers into Awsten's hair. "I love you too."

They both go quiet for a few moments before Geoff speaks up again.

"So, is that the only thing that was bothering you?" he asks. "I just wanna make sure."

"Yeah," Awsten replies. "I've just... I don't know. It's been on my mind a lot recently, so I guess I've just been focusing on it more? And I guess, 'cause you were here and stuff, I, uh... freaked out over it more." He cringes. He can't believe he had a panic attack over something that turned out so perfect. "Sorry."

"No, no. It's fine. Don't apologise, it's not your fault." Geoff sighs. "I should've told you sooner. Jawn's been trying to get me to tell you for forever, 'cause like... I told him, 'hey, I have feelings for my best friend that's also your best friend, help' and he was like 'no, Awsten has feelings for you, too' and... I don't know. I just didn't really believe it."

"How... how long ago was that?" Awsten asks. How long has he been oblivious to this? Or was Geoff just really good at hiding it?

"The first time I said something was about two years ago. Something like that."

"Holy shit..." Awsten whispered. And Jawn hadn't even told him. Then again, Awsten was pretty sure he'd made a bet with Otto on who was gonna confess first and influencing things in his favour would forfeit his prize. He couldn't help but smile at the thought of that.

"So, uh..." Awsten begins, "I guess- um. Are we dating now?"

"If that's what you want, then sure. I'm fine with it. I wanna take you out, though." Geoff replies. Awsten feels his face heat up. Geoff wants to take him on a date.

"Okay," Awsten breathes. Geoff wants to take him on a date. He can barely wrap his head around it. An hour ago, if someone had told him Geoff was basically going to ask him out that same night, Awsten would've laughed in their face. Yet here he was.

"When do you think you wanna go?" Geoff asks. "Anything in mind?"

Awsten feels kind of overwhelmed. "Not really," he replies. "Can we get in bed? I kinda wanna lay down."

"Anything you want."

So they do. They get comfortable under the blankets on Awsten's bed, legs tangled together, holding onto each other as if everything would disappear if they let go. Geoff keeps pressing lazy kisses to Awsten's forehead, and Awsten giggles each time. He can't help it; he hasn't felt this happy in a long time. Geoff is the only thing on his mind.

It's them against the world, and even though they might not win, they're in first place for now. Whether or not it stays that way doesn't matter, neither of them care. They have each other right now and that's all they need.

Awsten tilts his head up slightly, a smirk playing on his lips, eyes closed. "Kiss me again?"

Geoff smiles. "Of course."

**Author's Note:**

> Start date: 5/22/2020
> 
> Finish date: 7/27/20
> 
> Finishing this one was lowkey emotional for me. I took pretty much a three month break from writing because my motivation has just been gone. This oneshot was just sitting in my drafts for a good month of that. In the last week or so, I rewrote and fixed it up, and I am so fucking proud of myself. It feels amazing to be productive again, I've really missed writing. Stay safe. Wash your hands.
> 
> -g


End file.
